I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
