The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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