I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
