you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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