mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
