I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
