I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
