I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
