Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
