I wish my penis had an off switch
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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