currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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