your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
