On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
