I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i came on her dog
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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