at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
