um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
