I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
