I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
