I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
