the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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