Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
