What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So squirting runs in the family.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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