I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
