nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
