Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
