If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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