george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
