its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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