I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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