If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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