Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
