This house was built for laser tag.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
