I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
