I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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