a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
