if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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