went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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