you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
