I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
