I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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