Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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