i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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