i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
