I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
