i already hear my dad disowning me
the condom got lost in my hair
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
sex in a hospital.. check
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
