My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
