Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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