My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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