every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
