May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i was born a porn star she said
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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